“If a man happens to find himself, he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity.”-James A. Michener, novelistI have been reading
The Tao of Abundance by Laurence G. Boldt for the last few months. I read it in one to two page passages because I find that I need time to digest the teachings. I started to read the book as a battle strategy against my lifelong habit of carrying a sense of lack in my spirit. Reading this book in conjunction with my
gratitude practice has opened me up to the abundance that has always existed in my life, but that I overlooked because I had my sights on the future instead of the present. A week ago I came to the part in the book where the author explains the principle of
Te. Now, I do not profess to have a full and complete understanding of Taoism. I have purchased another book that goes more in depth on the subject that I will jump into once I complete Boldt’s piece. But what I am learning about
Taoism (that we are all one; that we should be more open to spontaneity; that the universe is not against us; and that being open to receiving is as important as giving) speaks to me in a positive way and I want to dive deeper into this spiritual practice. Boldt defines
Te as being what you are and following your own nature. Essentially,
Te means you are your authentic self and you do not conform.
The American culture offers a duplicitous take on the matter of nonconformity: We champion individuality while simultaneously stuffing those who act or look differently into specially marked boxes that are pushed as far away from those who are “the same” as possible. But, if nonconformity leads to some form of success (particularly financial) then we praise that person whose differences we first viewed as a threat. Nonconformity is difficult, emotionally draining and very often physically dangerous. But here’s the thing, you can’t be truly happy unless you stand up and become your authentic self.
If you conform and go against your true nature, you lose your dignity. Actually, you give it away, but in exchange for what? According to Boldt what you get in return is not safety or even satisfaction: “We attempt to find security and approval in conformity. Inevitably, this conformity provokes an inner rebellion. In reaction, we may try to exert coercive or manipulative power over others, or we may resort to self-destructive behaviors (131).” After I read this passage I wrote in the margin the name of a person I know who perfectly fits this description. I have been struggling for a while now to understand that person’s negative behavior and this passage provided clarity. Conforming, abandoning our authentic selves, sacrificing our dignity causes us to act out against ourselves and others.
So, what value is there in conformity? How does setting aside who we are to gain approval from others make us better people? As children, we actively sought approval from our parents, friends, and other authority figures. As adults—to be whole—we must seek approval internally. We have to learn to accept our authentic selves. We have to know what we are willing to sacrifice in order to maintain our dignity. Will you lose something when you make the decision not to conform? Of course. You cannot gain anything until you let go of something. As a young woman, I sacrificed my dignity for love, for a job, and for approval. Now in my forties, I know that there is nothing worth sacrificing my authentic self for. And whatever I lose on this journey to become my true self actually has no value as the author, James A. Michener suggests: “For this is the journey that men and women make, to find themselves. If they fail in this, it doesn’t matter much else what they find.”
-Melissa Brown Levine
www.melissabrownlevine.com
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