Lately I seem to be surrounded by women who are in the middle of major life changes involving children. They are in their forties, as I am, and are either starting their families, or, like me, managing their newly emptied nests. In the midst of major change, these women—all of us—are trying our best to be in total control of everything that comes with these life transformations. We are “fix-it” women: we believe that we have the power to control and alter every aspect of our lives and those of the people we love. We believe it, that is, until we hit a wall and realize that we actually can’t fix everything. This epiphany can lead to depression, anger and resentment. But I have discovered a solution to this problem. It is not an easy solution and it may take several attempts at mastering the steps before it sticks, but it does offer a release. The answer to the problem is to surrender.
Okay, I know…you think surrender means being a doormat. It doesn’t. It actually takes quite a bit of strength and courage to admit that you are not all powerful and cannot control every aspect of everyone’s life. Not even your own. More often than we like to admit, we have to let go and allow life to work itself out. It sucks, but the alternative is actively resisting change that may simply need to occur, which may result in emotional and physical anguish.
I’m in the process of practicing surrender as I write this post. My eighteen-year-old son has made some decisions that have resulted in unnecessary obstacles being placed on the once pristinely clear path that is his young life. The more I learned about the consequences he is facing as a result of his decisions, the more I suffered with my “fix-it” addiction. The reality is that I have very few tools in my parenting toolbox as a mother of an adult child. I hate that, but it is my reality now. I have to surrender to it. So, after my mid-week cry which led to a head splitting migraine, I worked my way through the following steps of letting go:
Look at the Issue Realistically
We (meaning those of the “fix-it” clan) have a tendency to exaggerate problems or issues that we cannot control. My first step was to stop looking at the challenges my son is facing as impossible for him to overcome. They are not. The problems may be unnecessary. They were definitely avoidable. But they are not impossible. Taking one giant step out of the hysteria box helped me find the trail that would eventually lead me to calm.
Accept What You Cannot Change
This is where you have to defy your “fix-it” nature. My son did not take his first semester in college seriously and as a result his grades are in the toilet. He kept his downward spiral to himself, even when I checked in with him regularly and asked how he was managing his classes. I did my part and still felt guilty when the truth finally came out (My big toe got caught on the corner of the hysteria box). But the fact of the matter is that there is nothing I could have done for my son beyond providing the support I offered readily. That’s why kids go to college: To learn how to manage their lives. Not for their mothers to stand over them every night making sure the homework is complete and that they actually studied for the math test coming up on Monday. Part of my journey to surrender was to accept that I have no power to change the decisions that my son made—or will make in the future.
Embrace What You Can Control. Set Your Boundaries. Breathe.
Once I acknowledged what I could control in this situation (which boiled down to how long I let myself cry and how soon I got up to retrieve the Excedrin® Migraine) I also embraced the fact that, even though I can’t ground him anymore, I can set limits of what I am willing to do for him now that he is making adult decisions. I did that in a two page letter that I sent to him over the weekend. I discovered that making the concrete statement, “You cannot live in my house unless you are in school full-time or working full-time and paying rent,” made me feel less out of control. It made me feel less helpless. And it set a standard: We are both adults and we must now deal with each other in that manner. After I pressed “send” on the email…I just let myself breathe. It’s hard to cling to old beliefs when you allow yourself to breathe in your new reality.
Flow With It
After you have taken an honest assessment of the issue, accepted what you cannot control, and identified clear boundaries that you can safely work with all while breathing…surrender settles in. And you must ride it out. It’s not that resistance (i.e. the “fix-it” twitch) won’t rise up in your chest again. It will. But you get to choose whether to pursue resistance or take as many steps away from driving yourself crazy as are necessary.
Repeat.
I did say that this process wasn’t easy.
Expect to cycle through these steps several times (I already have in just the last few days) until you adjust to the weight and texture of surrender against your skin. The sense of dread will pass—eventually. The fear will transform into a solid respect for the untamable power of the universe. And the peace you gain from finally being able to let something go will make you a better person and hopefully allow the focus of your “fix-it” addiction to work towards finding his or her own way.
-Melissa Brown Levine
www.melissabrownlevine.com
Okay, I know…you think surrender means being a doormat. It doesn’t. It actually takes quite a bit of strength and courage to admit that you are not all powerful and cannot control every aspect of everyone’s life. Not even your own. More often than we like to admit, we have to let go and allow life to work itself out. It sucks, but the alternative is actively resisting change that may simply need to occur, which may result in emotional and physical anguish.
I’m in the process of practicing surrender as I write this post. My eighteen-year-old son has made some decisions that have resulted in unnecessary obstacles being placed on the once pristinely clear path that is his young life. The more I learned about the consequences he is facing as a result of his decisions, the more I suffered with my “fix-it” addiction. The reality is that I have very few tools in my parenting toolbox as a mother of an adult child. I hate that, but it is my reality now. I have to surrender to it. So, after my mid-week cry which led to a head splitting migraine, I worked my way through the following steps of letting go:
Look at the Issue Realistically
We (meaning those of the “fix-it” clan) have a tendency to exaggerate problems or issues that we cannot control. My first step was to stop looking at the challenges my son is facing as impossible for him to overcome. They are not. The problems may be unnecessary. They were definitely avoidable. But they are not impossible. Taking one giant step out of the hysteria box helped me find the trail that would eventually lead me to calm.
Accept What You Cannot Change
This is where you have to defy your “fix-it” nature. My son did not take his first semester in college seriously and as a result his grades are in the toilet. He kept his downward spiral to himself, even when I checked in with him regularly and asked how he was managing his classes. I did my part and still felt guilty when the truth finally came out (My big toe got caught on the corner of the hysteria box). But the fact of the matter is that there is nothing I could have done for my son beyond providing the support I offered readily. That’s why kids go to college: To learn how to manage their lives. Not for their mothers to stand over them every night making sure the homework is complete and that they actually studied for the math test coming up on Monday. Part of my journey to surrender was to accept that I have no power to change the decisions that my son made—or will make in the future.
Embrace What You Can Control. Set Your Boundaries. Breathe.
Once I acknowledged what I could control in this situation (which boiled down to how long I let myself cry and how soon I got up to retrieve the Excedrin® Migraine) I also embraced the fact that, even though I can’t ground him anymore, I can set limits of what I am willing to do for him now that he is making adult decisions. I did that in a two page letter that I sent to him over the weekend. I discovered that making the concrete statement, “You cannot live in my house unless you are in school full-time or working full-time and paying rent,” made me feel less out of control. It made me feel less helpless. And it set a standard: We are both adults and we must now deal with each other in that manner. After I pressed “send” on the email…I just let myself breathe. It’s hard to cling to old beliefs when you allow yourself to breathe in your new reality.
Flow With It
After you have taken an honest assessment of the issue, accepted what you cannot control, and identified clear boundaries that you can safely work with all while breathing…surrender settles in. And you must ride it out. It’s not that resistance (i.e. the “fix-it” twitch) won’t rise up in your chest again. It will. But you get to choose whether to pursue resistance or take as many steps away from driving yourself crazy as are necessary.
Repeat.
I did say that this process wasn’t easy.
Expect to cycle through these steps several times (I already have in just the last few days) until you adjust to the weight and texture of surrender against your skin. The sense of dread will pass—eventually. The fear will transform into a solid respect for the untamable power of the universe. And the peace you gain from finally being able to let something go will make you a better person and hopefully allow the focus of your “fix-it” addiction to work towards finding his or her own way.
-Melissa Brown Levine
www.melissabrownlevine.com
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